Broken
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Terry's death leaves Jay broken; guilt and pain eating away at him. Erin's there to help him through it all. Set 3x17.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know, I know. Another story... lol Thanks for the prompt Belle!**

Broken

Jay POV

"Hope Lissa didn't corner you about being a bachelor."

"No, it's all good." Humor laces my voice, brushing the comment off feeling only a fleck of guilt when my mind turns to Erin.

"You got any plans for all that?" He pushes on as I adjust my bulletproof vest.

"One day."

"What? With the right woman?" He jokes shoving my shoulder.

"Oh, her I've found. Just not there at the marriage step yet." A smile crosses my face as I think of Erin.

"You're seeing someone?" He raises an eyebrow in question.

"Yeah, her names Erin. We work together." The smile grows when I picture her beautiful smile.

"Hopefully I can meet her."

"Yeah man."

"Two hundred and sixty three thousand." Our attention is pulled to Brianna as she zips the bag up, dropping it to the floor.

"Let's roll."

We follow her out to the vehicle; hearing her greet the driver before turning to approach me.

"Here, you're the only with the safety deposit box key." She reaches up to place it around my neck; my posture is rigid and professional.

"I don't know what you're doing for dinner later, but if you want, we can do Maestro's." Hope fills her gaze as she looks up at me.

"Um, I have a-" She cuts me off quickly, an awkward chuckle slipping through my lips when she does.

"Its just dinner. I'm going through a complicated divorce, so we can keep it simple."

"Sorry, I have someone waiting for me." My small smile letting her down gently, the rise of my shoulders in a gentle shrug indicating there isn't anything she can say to change my answer.

We strap ourselves in the car, pulling out quickly to follow the planned route to the bank. Terry and I put our military training to good use, scanning outside the windows on high alert.

"Playing hard to get with the boss lady hey?"

"Shut up man." I laugh, sparing him a glance.

"He actually has a girlfriend apparently. Go figure." A laugh falls through my lips at Terry.

"Yeah and somebody actually married you. It's all a mystery."

* * *

Silence.

The car is consumed with this as Al drives us back to the district; my eyes are blank as they stare out the window. A quiet storm is raging internally, a promise to find the men responsible and make them pay.

The silence is loud, almost deafening, the gunshots still ringing in my ears. I blink back the recent memory, trying to push it into the corners of my mind.

I promise to deal with the pain and guilt later; I know I won't.

My eyes drop to my hands, balled in fists on my knees. The blood on my hands, only highlighting the guilt surging through my veins.

The quietness is such a contrast to the chaotic events, driving me to reach forward and forcefully turn the radio on. Any sound is better than the quietness.

Quietness is death.

* * *

Erin POV

On the outside I may appear calm, but on the inside I'm torn up. The second the call came over the scanner my heart dropped, the moment Hank said the two words I craved to hear my heart rate increased.

 _Jay's okay_.

It was a long five minutes between these events.

Except I know he's not okay, he can't be.

I'm impatiently waiting at the bottom of the stairs, eyes glued to the floor as I thank whatever god is listening that Jay's coming home to me today.

The same thoughts of blessing and happiness are tainted by the sorrow of Terry being shot. Guilt eats at me when I associate this misery with being thankful Jay wasn't.

I'm pulled from my thoughts when the door opens loudly; my face softens at the sight of Jay.

"I heard on the scanner." I close the distance between us, pulling him in. My eyes close briefly, needing to savor the moment. His scent invades my sense and it's a reminder that he's here, with me.

"Erin, I'm okay." Pain and anger are clear on his face, contradicting his words.

My eyes trail over his jacket, the blood stains landing heavy on my heart.

"Is there word from Med, on Terry?" His eyes are blue pools of guilt.

"Not yet." My words are quiet, almost wishing I could keep it a secret.

* * *

I'm waiting by Jay's desk when he exits Hanks office, wearing the determined frown of a man who fought his way onto the case.

"Jay." I call quietly, his wild eyes turning me.

"I'm okay Erin." I ignore his lie for now.

"I got another jacket from my car." I place it on the back of his chair; thankful he left it in there the other night after a date.

Realization crosses his features, his frown lines softening in gratitude.

My hands gently reach up, helping him out of the jacket and folding the blood stains inwards so he doesn't have to look at them anymore.

"Come on." I whisper as I grab his hand, entwining ours together.

"We need to get started on the case."

"Let the others get up to speed." I'm tender as I pull him towards the locker room; his posture is stiff as he stands by the sink.

The jacket drops to the bench before my hands finds Jay's shoulders, gently pushing him down.

He's searching my eyes before he finally sits, something in my gaze must illicit his consent.

I get to work lightly wiping the blood from his hands, face and neck.

With each passing moment of silence, his façade seems to be fracturing. Sensing his need to bury his emotions and work the case, I hum quietly.

His posture relaxes slightly; resolve finding itself filling his gaze.

"Step by step." I whisper before softly kissing his forehead.

* * *

"What'd you say to Jay?" I cross my arms, cornering Hank when we're alone.

"When?"

"Today, Hank. You said something." My hazel eyes are glaring, rage edging it's way in.

"I say a lot."

"I'm not in the mood Hank. What did you say?" My voice has lost it's cool, angry impatience all that remains.

"I asked him a question."

"Which would be?" I raise an eyebrow.

"You saw him with his boss." Hank shrugs as if that answers my question.

"That's not a question." I fire back.

"Fine, I asked if he was sleeping with his boss." I scoff loudly at Hank, mind cast back to interviewing the husband.

Brianna wanting to sleep with Jay is miles from him participating in any of it, I trust him completely with both my life and heart.

"You can't be serious." He just nods at me, angry tears well in my eyes.

"First, you're treating him like he can't possibly make a decision with his grief, given the personal nature of this… yet, you always run point on your vendettas. But to _actually_ ask my boyfriend if he's cheating on me… when he just lost his fucking friend. That's a new low Hank. Jay would _never_ cheat on me. And even if he was, it has nothing to do with this. Back off." I spin around, unable to lock gazes with him anymore.

"I'm just looking out for ya Kid."

"That's not the way. I've been silent today, usually so loyal I take your side… but today I was unable to find my voice to do that. So I stayed quiet… when I should have had Jay's back. It won't happen again."

* * *

I let myself into Jay's apartment, my feet soft on his floor as they carry me over to his bedroom.

"Hey." I whisper quietly watching him straighten his military uniform.

"Hey. What are you doing here?" I move forward, my arms wrapping around him from behind.

"Terry's funeral. Where else would I be?" I move to stand in front of him, my fingers come up to smooth out his jacket.

His eyes tell me everything he can't right now; I lean up to softly kiss his lips.

"Come on." I offer him my hand; he takes it gently before letting me lead him from the apartment.

* * *

"Lissa." Jay struggles to greet Terry's wife, as she pulls him in for a hug.

"Thanks for coming Jay, it meant a lot."

"Of course. If there's anything I can do, just ask." I'm watching the pain and unimaginable grief on her face, causing my heart to break.

"Thank you." She whispers before looking over at me.

"This is Erin, my girlfriend." Lissa seems surprised for a moment, before bringing me into her arms.

"I'm sorry for your loss, it was a lovely service." I hold her while she cries, my eyes finding Jay over her shoulder watching as he struggles to compose himself.

Part of me wonders if I'm glimpsing at the Jay who attended too many funerals for his fellow soldiers.

Lost too many friends without even a goodbye.

"Let me know if I can do anything at all okay? We're always around." Lissa nods into my shoulder.

* * *

My eyes are blankly watching the TV, my phone tight in my hand waiting for the buzz signaling a text.

After the funeral Jay went to meet up with Mouse and Dr Choi, surrounding himself with those who deeply understand his suffering.

Before we parted ways I asked him to text me when he was finished, pleaded for him to spend the night, leaving a kiss on his lips before letting him go.

I jump at the vibrating in my hand, sitting forward on the couch to read Jay's text.

 _Leaving Molly's now. Heading to see Hank at the district then I'll be home._

My heart swells when my eyes take in his last word, a small sign of hope coming from the tragedy.

Jay referring to my apartment as home feels right somehow, like something falling into place.

Unsure of what Hank and Jay will be discussing I make the decision to slip shoes on and meet Jay down at the district.

I won't be silent any longer.

* * *

I arrive just in time to see Jay disappear into the locker room; I follow quickly but quietly.

I'm stood in the doorway as he approaches the sink; his eyes catch his gaze in the mirror.

It's a brief look, a mass of emotions flashing across his tired face. He looks away, seemingly unable to look himself in the eye without feeling the guilt, placing the blame on himself.

He falls back against the wall for support; I blink shocked when I see the tears running down his face.

My feet move towards him when his legs give way, he slides to the floor sobbing loudly.

He cradles his forehead with his hand before dropping it down into his arm.

"Jay." I whisper, my hands softly landing on his shaking back.

His body jumps as if I've shocked him, before he goes stiff beneath my hands. His blue eyes are red and wet with grief when he looks up, choking back tears.

"Erin, I'm okay." He's gasping between words, tears spring to my eyes.

"You're not, baby." I drop to my knees from my crouched position, wrapping him in my embrace.

It takes a few moments for him to melt into my arms, his head digging into my chest as he lets his suffering out.

My fingers gently brush through his hair as I hold him tight; my chin resting on his head as I blink back my tears, resolving myself to be strong for him.

My heart is shattering with every echo of a sob, pieces falling down into my stomach and leaving a heaviness behind.

"I've got you."

"It's all my fault." I inhale deeply through my nose, beginning to lose the battle with my tears.

"No babe, it's not. The only people to blame are the assholes involved. You did _everything_ you could." My voice is husky, quiet but determined.

"I wish it were me." His words seem to fall out in a moment of haze; his body stiffens when he realizes who he said them too.

Tears are now falling fast down my face, a gaping hole in my chest.

"Jay, _don't_ say that." My voice is forceful, fear invading every crevice of my body.

"I do." He shrugs gently, giving up with the pretense of pretending he's okay.

My body shakes with every sob racking his body, my shirt soaked with tears.

I don't loosen my arms until the sobs calm and his tears trickle away.

My hands cup his cheeks, thumbs running over his scruff and swiping the moisture away.

"Terry wouldn't want that." I'm pleading with him, a shake to my voice.

"His wife is pregnant Erin." Jay tries to shrug out of my grasp, I hold tighter.

"You have _me_. If you had…" Tears continue to fall down my cheeks; his hands gently pull mine away from his face and drop them to his chest.

I sigh as I feel his beating heart beneath my hands.

His hands cup my cheeks; my eyes close as I lean into them as he wipes the tears away.

"It's horrible and sad Jay, but trading places with him wouldn't fix the pain for anyone involved. I _can't_ lose you… don't say that again. _Please_."

"Why do I keep making it out?" His words fall from his lips in a broken whisper.

The way his eyes look behind me, I know he's not asking me.

He's asking the universe, the universe replies with silence.

"Let's get you home." He allows me to pull him to his feet, my hand entwining with his as we walk side by side out of the district, the pain never leaving us.

 **A/N: Let me know your thoughts, there is a part 2 but it's 1am and I really need sleep.**

 **I'll try really hard to finish this and Finding Comfort in You tomorrow night, okay? haha**

 **Review :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Part 2! Thank you again to Belle who inspired me to write this prompt, and who has great ideas ;) If you guys haven't already, check out her and Mia's (** **onechicago-ff) story 'She's a Halstead' You won't regret it. :)**

 **Enjoy :)**

Broken - Part 2

Erin POV

I'm watching Jay sit stoically on the couch from my position in the doorway of my bedroom, twirling a tube of antiseptic cream.

His eyes flicker to mine as I move across the room, sitting on the coffee table so we're facing.

My knees rest contentedly between his, the contact a gesture of comfort.

The only sound reaching our ears is soft breathing and the busy Chicago streets from down below.

I unscrew the lid, eyes finally dropping from Jay's as I squeeze some onto my finger.

Carefully I reach forward to dab it across his angry red cut on his cheek, the only response from my touch is a small wince.

"Sorry." I whisper, unsure if it's for the physical discomfort I inflicted or the emotional whirlwind of pain he's caught in.

"What can I do?" I finally ask, afraid he'll push me away.

His blue eyes seek my hazel out, but his mouth doesn't move. Pain is shining in his eyes, begging for redemption.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I reach out to gently caress his cheek; his hand grabs my wrist softly.

"I can't." He lets go of my hand and it drops to his knee.

"Can't what?" I ask fearfully.

"Do this. I gotta go." He stands quickly, my hand dropping from his lap.

"Jay, please stay." I reach for his hand; he pulls away and heads towards the door not sparing a glance back.

"I need to be alone. Give me space, please." The apartment door closes abruptly behind him, shattering what's left of my heart.

Tears fall down my cheeks as I stare at the closed door, the warmth from Jay's presence already gone, leaving me cold.

Thoughts race through my head, my mind screaming at me to go after Jay but my body frozen in place.

Finally I work out how to move my fingers, dialing the only person I can think of.

"Erin, what's up?"

"Mouse, I need your help." I suck in a deep breath, encouraging myself to keep the sobs at bay.

"Jay?"

"Yeah… Will told me once that you were the only one there for him, that you… dragged him back."

"Yep." His reply is short, silence flowing down the phone.

"What was… what…" A hand covers my mouth, a sob slipping through.

"What was he like? When he got back?" I nod, despite knowing Mouse can't see me.

"Erin, it's not my place to tell you. If Jay wants you to know, he'll tell you. If he doesn't, he won't. He may never tell you, that's something you need to decide if you can live with." I suck in some air, feeling like he landed a punch to my stomach.

"Okay. Then how do I help him?" My whisper is so quiet, desperately trying to conceal the hurt.

"I knew he wasn't okay." Mouse sighs down the phone.

"He's far from okay Mouse. I'm worried." I brush tears away, before giving up when they persist.

"Where is he?"

"He just left my place, he said he needed to be alone. What do I do? Do I go after him, make him see I'm here for him? Which is what I want. Or do I let him go? Give him the space he's asking for. I don't know what to do. _Please_ , tell me what to do." I pull my shirt up to brush away my tears.

"I can't tell you that Erin, it's up to you. But… don't let him push you too far away. Because he'll drown in his baggage and memories." Mouse delivers the warning with an edge of worry in his voice, fear griping my body in response.

"Why won't he open up to me?" I whisper with sorrow and disappointment seeping into my voice.

"It's hard for him… for any of us to talk about what happened there. Who we were when we got back. Even more so for Jay to tell you."

"Me, why?" My words catch in my throat.

"Because he's never felt this way about someone before."

"He doesn't want to burden me." I whisper in realization.

"Yes, but he's also terrified of losing you or changing the way you look at him. We did things over there that…" The sentence trails off, after a few moments I whisper a quiet thanks and hang up the phone.

* * *

I pace anxiously in front of Jay's apartment door, swinging his keys around in my hand as I weigh up my options.

Finally I sigh loudly before slipping the key into the lock, deciding my partner needs me tonight.

The apartment is dark when I enter; I close the door behind me and flick the lock.

I tiptoe through the apartment and stop at Jay's bedroom archway; he's laying on his back facing the ceiling.

"Why are you here?" His voice breaks through the silent night, his eyes not leaving their place on the ceiling.

"To be with you." I move towards the bed, dropping my keys to the bedside table and throwing my jacket and shoes to the floor.

I pull my jeans off before sliding beneath the covers, pressing into Jay's warm side.

His body is stiff until my hand rests against his cheek; bring his head around to face me.

Our eyes are locked for only a moment when he concedes to his tears, my forehead rests against him as I hold him close.

"I've got you." His body turns to face me, his face dropping into my neck.

We hold each other as he works through his grief, his hand softly brushing against my thigh.

My neck is wet with his tears, his sobs echoing around the apartment as our bodies shake in response to his pain.

When the tears finally stop, his breathing is so quiet I think he's fallen asleep. My fingers continue brushing through his soft hair, my lips finding his forehead.

He brings his head up to rest in front of mine on the pillow; my fingers smooth the lines on his forehead.

"This wasn't your fault." I finally get a nod from him.

"What you went through and what you carry is real, and unimaginable and if you ever need my help carrying it… you just have to ask." I place a soft kiss on his lips.

"I try to tell myself they wouldn't want me throwing away the life I've still got." Tears still burn brightly in his eyes, coaxing them into my own.

"That's a good way to look at it." My voice is husky as he places a kiss to my wrist.

"But it's hard." His voice breaks, another sob jolting through his body like thunder.

"I know, I'm sorry baby."

"Thank you for being here."

"I'll always be here when you need me. _Always_. Just know that whatever you want to share, you can. You don't have to worry if it will change how I look at you. Because I could never look at you any differently than I do now." My voice is fierce but pleading.

"You can't promise me that."

"I can. Because I love you, Jay. More than I ever thought possible." His eyes widen.

"What?" He blinks at me thrown my confession.

"I love you." A smile finds it's way to his lips.

"I love you too." Our lips meet in a soft and sweet kiss, so much tenderness in the moment.

I rest my forehead against his, my hand on his cheek.

"You should talk to someone… or find a support group. I know you think your problems are behind you, but they're not baby. You've pushed them down and that won't hold forever." Tears slip down my cheeks, pain piercing my heart at the look flashing across Jay's face.

"It's getting hard to pretend I'm okay." When he finally admits this, some tensions fades from the corner of his eyes.

"You don't have to be okay Jay."

"But if I start to deal with it, I'll break." His features are glazing over with resolve again, my fingers gently brushing down his cheeks..

"At first you will… but then you'll heal. I'm right here, every step of the way. I _promise_." My nose brushes gently against his, our lips touching briefly.

"I'm scared of who I'll become… that I'll be the same guy I was when I got back."

"You won't." My whisper is fierce with determination.

"How do you know?"

"Because that's not you. I know the real you, I _love_ you." His eyes seem to be drilling into mine, searching for the truth.

He must find what he's looking for as his shoulders drop some tension.

We're cuddled together in silence, the steady rise and fall of our chests not even enough to lull the other to sleep tonight.

"I can't believe he's gone." My eyes close briefly, trying to find composure.

"I wish I could have met him, he sounds really wonderful." My lips quiver, as I will my tears not to fall.

"He was."

"What was…" I trail off, shaking my head.

"What?" Jay questions.

"Nothing, sorry."

"You can ask me." I bite my lip, searching for the truth on his face.

"What was the hardest part of serving?"

"Coming home without good men and women… having watched them die and then facing their loved ones, unable to provide any comfort about their last moments."

Our foreheads are touching, his confession trapped between us as salty tears stream down our faces.

"Staying with them as they bled out, watching their life drain away. Listening to their goodbye, promising to pass on their final I love you."

Each whispered confession fills my heart with sadness, the horror in Jay's eyes ringing true.

His lips press against mine, softly at first before they seek mine urgently.

I allow his tongue to slip into my mouth, the salt from our tears invading our senses.

"Jay." My hand presses against his chest softly, whispering my objections against his lips.

"Please, Erin. I _need_ this." The hitch to his tone has me consenting with a nod, his muscular body rolling over to trap mine.

Warmth radiates between us as he rests between my legs, my hands run along his sides under his shirt.

His body leaves mine, resting on his knees to pull his shirt off, revealing his abs.

I take his offered hands as I sit up to slip my own shirt over my head, hair being tousled with the action.

Our lips meet as he presses me back into the bed; our warm chests are pressed together as his hands slide down my bra straps.

Slow breaths are falling through my lips as he pulls away, kisses being trailed down my neck and across my smooth shoulders.

I moan as his teeth nip my shoulder before he pulls the bra down, revealing my tight nipples.

My hips jerk in response to his warm mouth engulfing my sensitive nipple, teeth grazing it softly.

Want pools in my belly as I feel his erection pressed against my panties, I squirm on the bed beneath him as his mouth moves to my other breast.

My fingers run through his hair and down his muscled back, as his mouth continues it's way down my toned stomach before reaching my aching core.

His finger runs teasingly along my covered pussy before hooking his finger in and pulling my panties down.

My nails claw at his shoulders as he runs his tongue along my slit, I whimper when he moves away.

A groan falls through my lips as his fingers push in, my hips moving against his fingers pumping into my wet pussy.

My fingers move to grip his hair as he hooks his fingers up, my hips buck in anticipation as his lips find my clit.

"Oh god." I pant out as his stubble drags across my already throbbing pussy.

I'm calling his name as I find my release, Jay doesn't stop until my body stops trembling with ecstasy.

My hands cup Jay's cheeks as he comes back to rest between my legs, my tongue seeking his out immediately enjoying tasting myself on him. He clumsily shifts his boxers down, letting his manhood spring free.

I gasp into our kiss as he pushes in, filling me with him as my legs wrap around his waist.

He's rocking against me quickly, desperate to find his own release.

Our lips part allowing his head to drop into the caress of my neck, whimpers fall through my mouth as his lips brush softly against my skin.

My hips move against him, encouraging his thrusts to push deeper and harder as I feel another orgasm already building.

He's pushing into my aching core with such intensity I'm struggling to catch my breath, his lips come back to mine as I wrap my legs tighter around his waist.

Jay's hips jerk as he explodes, the sensation pushing me over the edge to find my own bliss.

When our bodies stop humming with passion, Jay pulls his forehead from mine to stare into my hazel eyes.

The intimacy of this moment, our bodies still joined has my heart racing in my chest.

"I love you." He whispers, placing another kiss on my lips.

"I love you too." My words are lost in his sweet kisses.

 **A/N: Let me know your thoughts :)**

 **I've got two chapters planned for 'Finding my way back to you.' Covering both 4x19 and the Med ep with Jay's dad in a different way to fit that story (I even have a way to explain away Jay talking to his dad ;) )... then looks like I'll be updating Fate. ;)**

 **Review :)**


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